"I am not shy having a disabled father, but I am worried about him. With the disability, struggling for a life is so difficult and rough," said a little boy, who looked sad.  So was I, with tears gathering in my eyes, I could not continue our conversation. We were silent for a movement. The weather also seemed to understand our feeling. The sky suddenly became dark and cloudy. The wind was also damp.  Apart from the wind, the chipping of the birds and the crackling of the mother and baby chickens around the hut were the only noises.
 
In the evening of 7 February, 2008, after attending the 61st anniversary of Shan National Day at Loi Tai Leng, two of my friends, a teacher at Loi Tai Leng, a journalist and I went to visit around the base of the Restoration Council of Shan State (RCSS). When we arrived at the entrance of Wan Mai refugee village which is located on the hill side, we saw an old disabled man carrying water on his shoulder and slowly went into to a small hut.
 
When I saw him I felt very sorry. My friend, the teacher, told me that there were many disabled people like him.  It was true. When we went through the village, there were many disabled people around the village. Some were sitting on the side of the road and some were doing their chores. I got really interested in them.  I was wondering how come these refugee men became disabled.  That was when I asked my friend to take me to one of disabled people's houses.
 
She took me to a little hut which was owned by the man whom we saw carrying water at the entrance of the village. That man was Long Gaw, 53 years old, living with a little 10 year old son called Sai Pi. The hut was situated in the middle of the village over the mountain slope. It was covered with woven bamboo wall and a little tarpaulin in ruin. It could only accommodate the two of them to sleep and cook. There was no marginal place for the other things. The hut was so small that it could not accommodate all of us to sit. That was why we sat in front of the hut and started our conversation. 
 
The ray of light disappeared. The time was near sunset. Our conversation was still in quiescence. I looked around the hut and then moved inside to see an artificial leg hanging on the bamboo wall near the bed. Long Gaw astutely knew what I was looking at. He looked back at his artificial leg and slowly turned his head to the crooked mountains absent-mindedly. Even though he was staring at the mountains, it seemed like he did not see anything.   He recollected his memory and started to break the silence between us and talked about his past, mainly how he became a disabled person.
 
He was a soldier from Mong Tai Army which was then under the command of Khun Sa. He lived in a small village of Mong Yai area, Tang Yan Township, Northern Shan State. Khun Sa had recruited him since he was a teenager. He came with Khun Sa to Ho Merng and spent his service there. In 1996, there was a fight between the MTA and the Burmese military.  It was the year Khun Sa surrendered.
 
"I lost my leg because of a landmine in the fight with Burmese soldiers. It was because of the Burmese military," he said.  "I was so depressed looking at my leg.  Moreover, I heard Khun Sa had already surrendered, it depressed me even more. When I arrived at Ho Merng, I received medical treatment from at a Thai hospital.  I never thought that he would give up so easily. He told us that he would fight until we got back our Shan State. His words and his actions did not match," he said very disappointedly.
 
 "After one year of losing my leg, my wife left me leaving our two year old son for me.  My son is a motherless child. Since then, I have to look after him as a duty of the father as well as a mother.  I just have to accept everything because it is my fate. Why life is so bitter and unequal for our Shan people?" he asked.
 
Long Gaw retired from being a soldier and struggled to survive in his new life at Ho Merng. However, he had to worry for food and security because the Burmese military usually came at night and asked for things from the villagers. If the villagers could not give, they would be punished. "Even though I have only one leg and no money, I had to give them what they asked for. I was afraid of them. So, I decided to move to Loi Tai Leng. I think it is better staying here at a safe place even though it is under another military," he said.
 
In 2003, he and his son came along with other Shan people who fled from Burmese military to Loi Tai Leng in order to have security. The journey took them three days from Ho Merng to Loi Tai Leng. They had to sleep in the jungle for two nights. "On the way, my son and I had no food to eat, we drank water only until we got here," he recalled. He stopped talking and puffed his cigar for a while, then continued talking. "Sometimes, if I need to go to the toilet at night or sometimes when I woke up suddenly, I forgot that I have only one leg. I suddenly get up and move like a normal person. Then I fall down to the ground.  Actually it was just a dream. I dreamed of being normal and that's why I walked out.  Sometimes, I wake up and when I light the candle and see my leg, I feel weak and defeated," he said looking dismayed.
 
He stopped and looked at the ground, he couldn't continue anymore.  So, I changed my conversation to his son. His son told me about how and where he received the clothes and support.  "Sometimes the RCSS and other donate the clothes and stationery. Sometimes my Dad bought them for me, when he has the money from selling vegetables that he collects from the forest," he said eagerly.
 
Long Gaw sometimes goes to the forest, gathers some vegetables for both of them and sells some to earn some money, especially for his little son. He also grows some vegetables around his hut. He pointed to his vegetable garden and told me, "I got my money from selling those. Even though RCSS and NGOs support us, we must not rely heavily on them for everything. RCSS doesn't only support us, it has to support all the villagers who stay under its control," he firmly told me. When I heard his words I felt so proud of him.  Even though he was a disabled man, he doesn't give up. He inspired me with his words.
 
Then he looked and slowly rubbed on his fake stocking and said "Nobody can do anything to get my leg back for me. I cannot do anything, even though I want to run and serve my country. Things don't happen as we desire. The only way I can serve my country is to let my son be a soldier and fight for me and also for our Shan State.  I will let every generation of mine to know about the bad side of SPDC".  When I looked at his face, his face was filled with tears and anger.  I didn't know what to do.  I controlled myself as much as I could, not to cry or look scared in front of him. His face was still red from anger. What does it mean when people get red face? Is he sad, happy, angry or dissatisfied with his life, who knows? I would like to invite some psychologists and encourage him.
 
He again puffed his cigar and spoke to me, "I am sorry I cannot continue talking about myself anymore.  When I think of my past, I have no energy to control my tears. Can I stop the conversation here?" he asked and stood up and walked out to feed his chicken.
 
Only his son and I were left to talk. We faced each other. I did not know how I should start my words with him.  I thought I must encourage him to speak out, so I asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. "I am going to be a soldier for my father, I would like to take revenge for my Dad," he replied with full confidence. He is attending Grade III at the school run by the Restoration Council of Shan State.  Even though he is still young he has a big aim for his father.  I said to him, "You are so brave, it is worth for your father to have a son like you. You really are your father's son". He made a joke and said, "Actually I am my mother's son, not my father's". We both burst out with laughter and I ended the conversation and said goodbye to them.